My work mum

Scattered amongst the ignorant and selfish people I seem to keep encountering, there still remain a few who, exactly when I need it, help to restore my faith in humanity. My work mum is one of these people and she is lovely. She is quite a lot older than me, well probably the same age as my real mum, so I’d guess about 45. She keeps and eye out for me and asks about things and listens, yes really listens. She is the kind of person I admire, not for what she has achieved, but for the fact that she has the capacity to really care about other people and make them feel as though their feelings are important. She lives with her elderly mother, who she looks after, she was in an abusive relationship for a long time and has no children. It makes me sad that this lovely lady never had children, she would have made an amazing mother. She says that she never wants to be in another relationship, which goes to show how much damage he must have done.

Anyway, she is lovely, and it seems unfair that someone who is blessed with that much kindess and humanity has experienced such bad luck. Yet she walks around with a smile on her face, doesn’t complain, and shows an incredible amount of warmth to those around her. To me, that is incredible. I do love my work mum.

The interview (part II)

Waiting to hear whether you have got the job of your dreams after being interviewed has to come pretty close to the top of the list of nerve-racking things in life. Luckily, the interviewer told me that I would hear on Thursday (ie tomorrow) so I know they’re planning on telling me either way. I never heard from the other company, so bearing in mind the interview was two weeks ago I am left to guess that I haven’t got it. I know they’re busy and bla bla bla, but it would have been nice to have been told either way, rather than being left to assume, whilst still holding on to that small chance. Especially since I wrote a nice and polite email thanking the lady who interviewed me.  Chin up though, I just hate rude and inconsiderate people, however I fear I may just have to get used to it in this business.

I know I planned on not telling anyone about this interview, and I kind of stuck to that, but I didn’t get any good luck texts and I then wished that I had. C forgot, I didn’t mind at all, but I know that when she remembers she will feel really bad. Things like that don’t bother me though, I don’t expect my friends to have to remember what I am doing as well as themselves. Us busy and important London types (darling) simply cannot be expected to!

Anyway, it went fine. Apart from the initial hitch when I first arrived. I walked into the building at abvout 5.45 (interview at 6) and told the man on reception (a burly security type dude) who I was here to see. He then asked me for her phone number, errrrrr ‘I don’t have her phone number’ (don’t you have it? you do work here on reception after all), after much tutting (from him) he spoke to another security man and asked him to take me upstairs, which he refused. Yeah, cheers guys! (I have an interview! I am nervous! please don’t make this worse!) All the while I am getting more and more stressed out, right before the big interview. It is too late, the receptionist has gone home, it is not their job I am told! What?! SOME PEOPLE ARE SO BLOODY UNHELPFUL! Eventually, not without much persuasion from me, I am told that someone will come down for me. Ten minutes later and I am still waiting. I decide to ring 118 and get the bloody number for the woman for myself, I didn’t want her thinking that I was late! Miss punctual herself, unthinkable! As I was on the phone, scrabbling around for a pen, interview lady appears right in front of me!

It all worked out OK, she said she had heard that there was a kerfuffle (my word not hers) and apologized. She was really lovely and immediately put me at ease, what a nice lady! During the interview I felt pretty confident and I think I sold myself as well as I could have done. Now I can’t do anything else apart from wait and try and not think about it (aint gonna happen but I can try).

I then scooted on down to Leicester square to meet some uni folk for dinner, was lovely to catch up with them, uneventful evening but enjoyable nonetheless. Weeelllllll, apart from the chronic stomach pain (food poisoning?) that occurred on the way home, but that’s another story….

Got back to the oven flat to find flatmate out and heating blazing. That annoyed me. Severe lack of a common sense faculty in that girl’s head, but I’ll get over it.

Confidence galore!

The confidence debate

I survived Monday and today everything is looking much brighter, metaphorically and quite literally. Looking out of my office window, the sky is bright blue and the sun is shining right onto the BT tower, I love this weather. Grey skies and rain I cannot deal with, but crisp bright Autumn weather is fine by me.

My confidence and outlook were at a dangerous low yesterday, I know I need to stop relying on other people to make me feel good about myself. Is it true, though, that you can make this happen for yourself without the influence of other people? Because I remain unconvinced, and I think that for as long as G continues to treat me with such ambivalence I will see myself as unattractive and boring, AND I AM NOT! I’M NOT!!

So, the focus on this week is trying to create confidence, or at the very least the illusion of it. Starting tonight at six o’clock when I scoot over to my interview. But that’s enough about that. Everyone says that the great thing about being single is that you can ‘focus on yourself’, so this is what I plan to do. Perhaps it has come two years too late, but hey, better late then never. I am going to concentrate on the things that I CAN change, and that does not include other people’s emotions and feelings about me. I can, however, get myself a bloody good new job, eat healthily and go to the gym (although…….lets not get carried away), and see my friends as much as possible. Oh, and I nearly forgot, buy a new and jaw-droppingly sexy (yet still classy) dress for Saturday night.

So the message here is (and I may not believe this quite yet…) confidence and happiness comes (or will come) from within. God, I sound like a shit self help book….but they might perhaps have a point. This week Anotherlondongirl will be mostly……focusing on herself. Yes. Now repeat after me ‘I am a strong and confident woman…….’.

So, here’s the question…

When you realize that a guy is actually a bit of an idiot, totally wrong for you, and makes you feel really quite shit about yourself, how do you stop yourself from thinking about him? Any advice gratefully received.

The weekend

This weekend I have decided that for my own sanity I have to forget about G, or the idea that we will ever be together. I hardly have the energy to write about it, but last night I walked home to C’s house by myself and it took me an hour, I didn’t have the money for a cab. I felt very alone, not scared, but upset by the fact that there was no-one around to care about the fact that I was walking around London in the middle of the night by myself.  Meanwhile, G was having his ego stroked by some girl who was draped over him for most of the evening, I found out from MF today that they kissed. I don’t have any right to be annoyed really, I just feel quite disappointed by the way that it has all worked out, and again, very lonely.

I went to MF’s house today and we cooked a roast at lunch, it was delicious. He later pointed out that when he had dropped into conversation that G had kissed this girl that I had gone quiet. I couldn’t hide it, it shows that whatever feelings he may have ever had for me definitely aren’t there anymore. He asked how I felt about him and what was going on, and in typical me-style I said that we’d hardly spoken since he’d been back, and that I wasn’t really feeling it. MF said it was that I had built it up before he got back, and it could have only ever been a disappointment. I denied this, but that boy knows me far too well for his own good. He remembers every little snippet that I tell him, long after I have forgotten all about it.

I am determined to maintain my dignity in all of this though, there is a party next week which we’re all going to. I will buy a new dress, make myself look good so I feel confident, and can walk in and show him exactly what he is missing.  

Oh Man…..

If I have to watch another advert for a)loans b)car insurance or c)things for old people (stair lifts/adjustable beds) I may have to top myself. Bring on the wine tonight, being ill is rubbish I’ve decided to drink through it. Have a great weekend everyone x

Magic money fairy did you read my blog?

I think the magic money fairy must have read my blog yesterday. When I got in there was a cheque for £800 waiting for me, without going into boring detail it was some cashed in shares, and I was very very happy to get it!!

I have been a bit naughty today and didn’t go to work. I am not feeling great, but if I had really really wanted to I could have dragged myself out of my lovely cosy bed and made the horrible journey to work in the rain, but I didn’t want to. The boss is on hols this week as it’s half term and I’m not busy, I thought a duvet day was long overdue. Plus, as I plan to leave the hellhole as soon as I possibly can I am not really bothered about what they think. I haven’t had a sick day in months and months and it’s great! I’ve been shopping (after the cheque I thought I would treat myself to a few small pressies to cheer myself up) I bought a nice duvet set and a photo frame, so I didn’t go mad.

MF has asked me to go to a wine show tomorrow evening which sounds great, anything involving wine and I’ll be there, hopefully there’ll be a few free samples, and then we’ll probably go and meet up with the rest of the group later on, I could do with a bit of a dance. On Saturday C and I have decided to have a proper Londony day, and might go to the V & A exhibition and then perhaps for a stroll around Borough market.

I think I have decided to take tomorrow off of work too, I feel guilty, but not too guilty to not do it. I made a nice batch of vegetable soup in an attempt to make myself better but so far it hasn’t worked. Am feeling a bit sorry for myself and quite lonely today, but definitely looking forward to the (long) weekend.

money, money, money

Now, it’s fair to say my parents have always been pretty generous with me when it comes to finances, and let’s face it, they still are. I had a great lifestyle as a student, they covered my rent, bills and all car expenses. The student loan was there for fun stuff, shopping, going out etc etc etc. And at the time I thought that was the real world. I didn’t use my overdraft and I had never had the grown up experience of paying a bill. OOhhhhhh for those days. However, I did realize the value of money. In my second year I worked bloody hard in a restaurant, I can’t quite remember why I thought this was a good idea, but I think it must have allowed me to indulge my shopping habit/addiction/problem     (:-/) slightly further than the loan allowed. 

In my silly naive mind, when I got a job and moved to London I would be ROLLING IN IT!! Earning loads of money and being able to be independent, skipping around London, hailing black cabs and shopping to my little hearts content. Oh how silly I was. I now live off of my overdraft, OK so I don’t have to pay rent but my wage is so puny and pathetic and wank that I probably am worse off than my friends who do. I pay a stupidly large council tax bill (my flatmate is a student and is therefore exempt, note to self – next flatmate must NOT be a student), a RIDICULOUSLY overpriced service and maintenance bill (errrrr exactly what I am getting in exchange for this massive dent in my bank account I still haven’t been informed, or is it that the letters I receive are just so boring looking that I don’t bother reading them before I throw them, no sorry I mean recycle, them?). I pay extortionate heating, gas and electricity bills, and still they write to me informing me that I use too much and as a result they are taking yet more money from my account. That’s right, they don’t ask me, they inform me. Is this even legal?! I don’t know how much electricity I use and how should I know how much it costs! They could be robbing me blind for all I know. It’s all so confusing.

So here’s the thing, I am now REALLY REALLY poor. I don’t go shopping anymore. Actually, that’s a lie, I go very occasionally and then suffer the guilt of spending 50 quid on a dress for a month afterwards, and I just don’t think it’s worth it. I can’t afford to go out for meals (although I do still do this) and drink as much as I like without thinking about the consequences (a hangover, of the financial sort).

And yet, I have chosen to do this job, knowing that I won’t be earning anywhere near what I’d like to be for a good few years yet. And in the meantime I will be treated like a slave. I could have taken any old graduate job, I could be earning a lot more but I couldn’t bear to do a job every day that doesn’t inspire me. At the moment I am hating work, it’s a shit company basically, run by a pair of clowns, and I feel I could do a better job. I have absolutely zero responsibilty and I’m never busy. I spend my days searching the internet and looking at blogs. It is because I have so much time on my hands that I started this blog. This may sound great to some people, but I crave that responsibilty, I need to feel that what I am doing is important and that I am good at my job.

I know I want to be in this industry, despite what you might think about fashion, it’s really not that bitchy. I’m sure the office politics are exactly the same as in any other company. I really don’t know what other career path I would take if I wasn’t doing this. Sure, I’d love to change direction completely and perhaps do another degree in acupuncture or something, but for now that is absolutely totally out of the question. I know I just need to get out of here, finding a new job is my top priority at the moment, and I suppose I am in a good situation where I have money coming in (a pathetic amount, granted) but it’s not as if I am starving and have to take the first job that comes up.

I doubt I’ll be able to earn anything more than I am at the moment but I would sacrifice that for feeling motivated to do a good job. I really want to be able to throw myself into something wholeheartedly, and I need something to direct my passion at. I have itchy feet, big time.

Stress, nerves and general confusion

As predicted, after the baffling behaviour and weird, confusing sideways kiss from G on Saturday night when he got out of the car, I haven’t heard a whisper out of him. I’m not surprised, although it would have been nice to get a text from him to say thank you for dropping them off. That would have just been polite I think, if it was me I would have definitely sent a text, but this is G, and he clearly doesn’t reside on the same planet as the rest of us, judging by his weird mixed messages and strange behaviour. Which, by the way, is making me doubt whether I even still like him and even want to still pursue some sort of relationship with him. I always do this, I think I have become so obsessed and fixated on wanting him to be interested in me that I haven’t stopped to think about whether or not I still actually like him. I mean, yeah he’s good looking and interesting and funny, but since he’s been back he’s acted like a bit of an arrogant twat quite frankly. Or perhaps I am mistaking arrogance for nerves, I am sure he was not arrogant before he left. Maybe before I mistook his arrogance for confidence. Now I’m just confusing myself even more………..arrogance, confidence, nerves….I have no f*cking idea! If only he would express himself via actual words then I would not have to analyse every stupid glance or stupid sideways kiss. AAAARRGH! It’s all just stupid.

Life is feeling stressful this week, what with waiting to hear about the job and the weird G situation. I know the answer is to just chill out and try to get to know him again without expectations, but for me that is much much easier said than done. My approach is to think about it over and over again until it drives me insane and then pretend I don’t care to anyone who asks (in a very un-convincing way might I add).

On a positive note, I have just had a phone call about a job which I applied for a few weeks ago, it sounds great, and I have an interview on Tuesday. At least it takes the pressure off of last weeks’ interview a bit anyway. Am trying to forget about it for now, telling myself that I haven’t got it means that I can’t get too disappointed if I don’t, so I have convinced myself that I haven’t, and now I’m trying to erase all memory of it from my mind. Wish I hadn’t told so many people about the interview though, it’s rubbish having to explain to people that you didn’t get the job of your dreams, weren’t good enough and then have to justify it by saying there were loads of people up for it, really competitive etc bla bla bla. So this time I’m not telling ANYONE. No-one, seriously. Well apart from my mum and C that is, cos I was so excited earlier I couldn’t help myself! But they don’t count.

So, as a result of all of this nervousness I feel sick and have lost my appetite. This is definitely a good thing. My eating has been out of control for way too long now, I’ve put on weight that I just cannot seem to lose, anything that helps me to eat less is a definite plus!

Baffling Behaviour

Right, so I saw G last night. The third time since his return. It has got slightly less awkward on each meeting but that’s not saying a lot really, I feel like we are about 13. We were meeting in a group to watch the rugby, I arrived with C (best mate) and they were all there in a massive group in the pub garden. Obviously neither of us was mature enough to approach the other to say hi, oh so mature, can’t believe I am behaving like this at 23!

We stood next to each other to watch the rugby, probably not the best idea as I generally don’t have a clue what’s going on and so couldn’t impress him with my impressive knowledge of the game, it would have been a different story if it was football but there you go. We’d obviously spoken by this point, awkwardly, but conversation nonetheless. The game ended, we lost, C got badly claustrophobic and panicky and had to go outside to stop herself from freaking out completely. We went onto another pub/club nearby where there was a queue outside and C got worse, had to leave the queue and said she was going home and refused to let me go with her or get a taxi. I went back to the queue and had decided to leave too, feeling bad letting my best mate walk home in a bit of a state, plus the fact that I was staying with her. G and our other mutual friend (not MF this time, lets say AMF) also decided to leave and we walked to the kebab shop (classy) and waited for ages in there. G actually seemed to show concern about how I was going to get home, which I thought was sweet (for him)…..AMF and another mate walked off in front of us, in a blatant attempt to get us to talk. It was fine, and made me realize that the only thing that makes us awkward with each other is that we are always being watched, it’s not that we don’t get on any more but the feeling that people are looking and trying to work out what’s going on, which is tricky, because neither of us has a clue. We chatted and it was cool, trouble is he KEPT insulting me, not in a humourous banterous way but weirdly rude things just kept slipping out of his mouth. I’m not sure if it was meant to be funny or not, or whether it was his way of trying to get a bit of banter going but it baffled me. By this point I had decided to collect my car and drive home and so had offered them both a lift. I walked between the two of them and at one point G dropped his kebab paper and it kind of flew into my face……..I was like ‘errrr cheers mate’, he apologized and said he would have kissed me but he had a mouthful of chicken (!) I didn’t know what to make of that really.

He has taken to calling me by my surname too, another new development, but I have to say I quite like it. He insulted my driving and said my music collection was rubbish. Again, not sure if it was banter but I can’t help feeling that it’s a bit immature. We’re 23, I thought boys got past this at about 15 but it seems not. Either it’s his immature way of showing he fancies me or he actually doesn’t like me. Either of which is entirely possible at this point, his behaviour baffles me.

Here’s another baffler, he got out of the car, leaned over from the back and kind of kissed me (on the lips) but from the side. Now, this might perhaps be normal if it was a girl friend of mine, or we were close, but I don’t know what to make of it. I know that now it’s gonna be on my mind and I will analyse and analyse until I feel like screaming. I think I’m gonna put it down to him being drunk..or am I? oh noooooo it’s started already!!

I keep thinking though, if this is his stupid way of behaving around a girl he likes, is that the kind of guy I want to be with? I am fed up with game playing, and this is immature. Don’t get me wrong, I have a problem with guys who consistently compliment me and pay me too much attention as well, but this is playground stuff and I’m not sure I can be bothered with it any more.