It’s going to be a happy new year

I haven’t written in ages. For this I apologize. No reason really, just laziness and a bit of a lack of any inspiration. It’s New Year’s Eve, I’m at work, and by some miracle the firewall on our internet is allowing me onto facebook and the blog….and since I don’t plan to do a scrap of work today here I am!

It’s been a funny year, so much has happened and yet so little. Nothing life-changing or major, but little shifts and changes in my perspective on, well, everything. So I suppose I haven’t wasted it entirely. Next year will be better though, I’m not sure how exactly but it will. This year has been about moving to London, establishing a life here, but next year will be about making changes, finding security, ooh and exploring more. This is what I intend to do, starting from tomorrow.

It’s exciting, it’s a new start. I had everything planned up until the end of this year (I have to stop doing this), so as of tomorrow I am free. No plans, no ties, no nothing.

Here’s to a Happy New Year!

A bad attitude

I wish I wasn’t so sensitive, I have this habit of letting opinions of irrelevant people get to me and turn me into a blubbering mess. Last night was a prime example of this, a taxi driver, YES a taxi driver, made me cry. Granted I was slightly tipsy (well it was a Saturday night), but still a pretty sad state of affairs. He was such a grumpy and beliggerent arse hole, he had the worst road rage I’ve ever seen (even worse than me!) and was so rude. When I got out of the cab and gave him 22 pounds for the journey, which cost £20.20 I waited for my change, which just pushed him over the edge, he went mental! He told me I was an ungrateful bitch for not wanting to leave him a tip!!! Sorry, aren’t you meant to give tips for good service??!?! He said he’d just done me a massive favour (even though it’s his job and I’ve just paid him a ridiculous amount of money for it!).He was horribly abusive and I was just shocked by it, I’m not used to people speaking to me like that and I got really upset. I told him he had a bad attitude and to get lost. OK, I may have inserted a few choice swear words. I wish I had got his reg number, I would have written a strongly worded letter of complaint……

On a freezing cold night

There is nothing more comforting than the warmth of someone next to you as you’re lying in bed on a freezing night. This is precisely the reason I let it happen with MF last night. Well, nothing happened as such, but I didn’t make him get out. I let him lie there next to me, I let him massage my bad shoulder and cuddle me, and then I let him drive me to work on the back of his bike. Maybe I am a bad person for doing this, but I was cold and I am lonely.

After dinner last night I had an ice cream craving (well, Ben and Jerry’s cherry garcia if you must know) and so we bundled into the iced up car and drove to the shop to satisfy it. I then let myself be convinced that parking up by Primrose hill and trekking to the top to see the view was a great idea. Actually, it was lovely. This is the kind of thing I used to make my ex boyfriend do with me, I was the fun one and I thought he was boring. Now I am the boring one, he’s not my boyfriend, but I have become boring. I need someone in my life who gives me back that spark. The spark that makes me want to do crazy things at crazy times of the night. I wish I could have feelings for MF, I know that he would do anything for me, I can feel it, but I know that I never will.

Feeling sorry for myself, again

I’m having one of my lonely, feeling sorry for myself days. I’ve not been at work as I feel like death. Terrible cold, achy muscles, glands up, the whole works. I’ve not had any human interaction at all today, apart from the man that helped me in homebase buying my Christmas tree. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have gone out, but I was bored and thought putting up the tree would cheer me up, which it did, momentarily.

I had my third interview yesterday. I don’t want to jinx it by talking about it too much but I think it was OK. I did my ‘strong visual research’, I even bound it, I think I deserve the job just for the binding! It looked very professional, even if I do say so myself. This time I’m not resting everything on it though, I’ve been through the rejection before, I can take it again and if I don’t get it, it’ll still be OK, work has improved and I wouldn’t be devastated if I have to stay there. Honestly. Either way it’ll be OK.

I’ve not written for a while. I feel like there’s nothing to write about really, nothing’s happened, I feel totally drained. Not really sad, just like there’s nothing of interest going on in my head, and therefore nothing to write about. So there you go. I might drive to my parents, I need someone to look after me.

I can’t bloody believe it!

Before I write anything, just read this email that I received this afternoon; 

Dear Londongirl,
 
Hope you are well.
 
In terms of feedback from the interview, I have been given the following: 
  
Londongirl was very friendly and showed strong understanding of [insert company name] and the customer.  She also showed strong passion and enthusiasm for the position.
 
We decided to offer the role to an internal candidate, currently working for [another company] as she presented strong visual research as a part of her preparation. (errrrr suck up..)
 
The good news is that we have a new BC role and we would like to invite you back to meet with us, ideally on Wednesday 5^th December at 9am.
 
You will be meeting with me and [insert ladies name], Buyer on Tailoring.
 
It may be an idea as you have already met [insert ladies name], to present something new or something different, perhaps a mini – swot analysis of the brand.
 
Please confirm is the time suits,
 
Many thanks
HR Advisor  

What a turn up for the books eh? I had to suppress a scream of delight when it came through to my inbox earlier. I don’t understand why I have to have a THIRD interview though. This is like an emotional rollercoaster, just when I had started to get used to the idea of staying at my company….

Happiness is the sense that you matter.

I read this on a board outside my local pub as I was walking home this evening. After the day I’ve had it was amazingly fitting. I arrived home last night to find MF on my doorstep, he had come to cheer me up and poured me a large glass of wine as soon as we got inside. I have another friend staying with me at the moment too, who arrived home with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s as a treat to make me feel better about the job.

Today was a strangely positive day, which after the trauma of yesterday was entirely unexpected. I was greeted at work this morning with loads of stuff to get stuck into and was kept busy all day, which I loved. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it before now but I’ve been given two extra brands to work with so I’m a lot more occupied, it suits me fine. I think my whole mindset altered today, before now I had been so focused on leaving that the thought of staying and really putting everything into my work hadn’t really crossed my mind. Today was like a fresh start for me. I’m not saying I definitely plan to stay but now that I have this extra responsibility I am certainly going to give it a bit more of a chance. Everyone noticed yesterday how I seemed upset and quiet, of course I couldn’t tell them why, but it was nice to know that they cared. It made me realize that I do have a lot of friends there, and having to be the ‘new girl’ and start all over again might not be exactly what I want anyway. It has taken a lot for me to finally realize that I am a part of a team there, and that what I do does matter.

Not only that, but I was told when I went to speak to our visual merchandising department how fantastic they think I am at my job. I was then thanked at the end of the day by my line manager for everything I had done today, and told I had worked really hard. Blimey. I felt like the whole world was conspiring to make up for yesterday’s rubbishness. AND THEN…..I was walking out of the office with a girl who sits near me, she used to work in customer service and has only recently moved down, and she confided in me about how irritating she finds bully girl!! Yes, the very same girl who I had to sit next to (but has since been moved) and who made my days miserable! I thought I was the only one and it was nice to find someone who also sees her nasty side, and I told her as much.

As everything was going so well I decided I would bite the bullet and approach my boss for a pay review. I have been there for nearly a year and just taken on a lot more responsibility. I think I deserve one. She said she was out of the office as of today for a week but we would discuss it on her return. The worst she can say is no I suppose and more money would definitely make me feel better about not getting the dream job.

So there you go, things are looking up. I apologize for my horrendous mood yesterday and for all of the swearing. And in the words of the board outside the pub at the end of my road ‘Happiness is the sense that you matter,’ and today I felt like I mattered.

One word: Gutted.

I didn’t get the job. I feel so fucking deflated. If I’d found out straight away it wouldn’t have been so bad but I’ve been hanging on for a month now and I feel I’ve wasted it dreaming about something that will now never happen. I dedicated so much time to this, taking holiday for interviews and researching the company in detail, all for absolutely nothing. I feel sick. Apparently they decided to promote from within and have offered the role to an internal candidate, as if I give a shit.

I absolutely give up, I really do. It’s not worth having hopes and dreams of making things better, because when it doesn’t work out you only ever end up feeling worse than you did before. Perhaps I should stop trying to make things happen and just accept my lot, but that’s just not in my nature. The whole thing was just a massive waste of time and effort, for absolutely bugger all. I had a spark of a chance to be exactly where I want to be and it’s been snuffed, and now I’m back to square one. Again. The glimmer of hope has suddenly vanished. I don’t know where to go from here.

Oddities

1.)    I naturally have very blonde hair and blue eyes, my parents are both very dark with brown and green eyes. I know what you’re thinking, but no, I am not adopted, just unique!

 

2.)    I have an unnatural phobia of pigeons. If I see one flying towards me in the street I will dodge it by any means necessary, even if this means diving onto the floor. I normally scream too. Not surprisingly I often get funny looks. I sometimes get them landing on my balcony, so I have hung a wind chime, a CD (I read somewhere that they don’t like the glare), and a fake cat to try and deter them. From the outside it looks like the home of a mad old lady.

 

3.)    I am training to be a fashion buyer, but ironically I hate shopping. It makes me stressed. I’d much rather stroll around a market than brave Oxford Street.

 

4.)    I am really fussy about lighting, the most offensive of all being strip lighting. I once went to a restaurant and asked them to dim the lights, much to the amusement of the people I was with.

 

5.)    I am very flexible and can do the splits on both legs. I also used to be able to bend over backwards and hold my ankles. Ouch…..I haven’t tried it recently but I’m pretty sure I can’t any more.

 

6.)     When I have toast I have two slices, one has to have marmite on it and the other peanut butter (crunchy). Every time.

 

7.)    Like Nextfish I am very fussy about my coffee. I have an espresso machine in my kitchen and only I know how to make it perfectly (for my taste I mean). I am constantly disappointed by prêt. And don’t even get me started on instant…….it’s just NOT COFFEE!

 

I’m sure there are many many more that I could add to this list, it’s actually quite hard to think of them when you’re really trying. It probably would have been better to ask C and MF, I’m sure they would have been able to write an entire book on what makes me odd.

Lucky

I’ve been thinking recently about moving house. On Friday I had my flat valued, we bought it a year ago, and the estate agent reckons it is now worth £60,000 more. Sixty grand!!! This is madness, I mean it’s not my sixty grand as my parents own the majority, but to think I am living in this beautiful flat worth such an extortionate amount of money, rent free, makes me feel like a very lucky girl indeed. Trouble is, I am in North London and the majority of my friends are in the south. God knows why as it’s so much more beautiful up here, but I do sometimes feel a little bit stranded. Today, for example, I have spent approximately three hours in the car driving to and from C’s. I love the thought of being so close to friends that you can just ‘pop in’ for a cuppa and a chat, without having central London traffic to contend with, which routinely makes me road-rageous (I just made that word up – how cool is that!), and so angry I fear I may burst blood vessels. My friends are all so spread about the country though, I wonder if I will ever be in the position to live out this little dream I have, in which all of my favourite people are close by. I don’t really get lonely, and I always have friends in my flat with me, but they’ve normally made a special journey to get here. My flat is a happy place, I was thinking earlier that I could probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve cried in this flat, considering it’s been ten months I think that’s pretty good going. I think I just need to make more friends in this area, I’m just not so sure how to go about doing that.

I had a text from investment banker on Friday night, it said ‘hey londongirl, I hope they didn’t have too much trouble getting you out last night?! (of the strip club) I was just wondering if you still want to go out for dinner some time? Investment banker x’. I haven’t replied. For one, it was sent on Friday night at 11.30, I was out dancing with some old friends in West London, and two, I have absolutely no idea what to say. I don’t know if I want to go out with him or not. That’s a lie, I know I don’t really want to, but there’s a little voice somewhere in my head that is telling me to stop being judgemental and that I should give it and him a chance.

An interesting evening, involving me having a lap dance….

Last night some crazy shit went down. What started out as a very civilised evening at the theatre, by 11 o’clock had swiftly descended into, well, something particularly un-civilised. If I were to say it involved a seedy strip club, vile wine and culminated with me being forced into having a lap dance from two strippers, you would just about get the gist of my evening. The lap dance was definitely not my idea, but I was with a group of five guys who had spent the evening drinking, I really didn’t have much of a choice! Plus, I’m trying to be open to new experiences these days…..it’s a story to tell, that’s how I was thinking of it. The girls really didn’t hold back, there was NOTHING left to the imagination, which was a bit of a shock to say the least, but I went along with it. The bits that weren’t left to the imagination were practically thrusted in my face too. I can honestly say though that I wasn’t in the least bit turned on by the whole experience. However, I felt I bonded with the girls though, having seen the parts of them that I saw………they told me I could get a job there easily, which I suppose was a compliment. I can’t say I didn’t consider it for a few seconds; the extra cash would definitely come in handy!

I also got asked out last night by a guy I met, he was a friend of a friend who works as an investment banker, and had been sent to pick me up from the tube station, I’m not too sure why. MF probably couldn’t tear himself away from the place. We clicked straight away and I felt really comfortable around him from the second we met, five minutes later he said to me ‘You’re really lovely, you know,’ that was nice. As we were walking to the club he told me I was in for a bit of a shock and he wasn’t exaggerating! Standing by the bar, waiting for drinks, he said to me ‘Well it’ll be a story to tell when people ask us how we first met.’ Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr OK. How very presumptuous I thought! We had only met about 15 minutes before! It would have been great, only I don’t think I fancy him. Standard procedure there then.

I’m getting bored of this. I may go out with him anyway though, do what I always do. I’ll go on one date knowing that nothing will come of it. I normally know right from the start if I am going to fancy someone, but I always say to myself I should give it a chance and get to know them first before I write them off. I hate being made to feel like things are expected of me. I’ve been on so many first dates where guys have tried to hold my hand, tried to kiss me, and told me that I am beautiful across the table. I am worried about sounding conceited here, but that’s the honest truth and it makes me uncomfortable that I don’t feel the same way. Spending the evening with someone who’s obviously very keen makes me uneasy. It’s funny how I was totally chilled out having a lap dance from two strippers last night who were writhing around in front of me stark naked, but the moment I have to deal with this sort of situation I don’t know what to do. I find it very easy to be funny, relaxed and good company when I don’t have any romantic feelings for someone, which obviously where things have gone wrong with G.  What normally happens after the date is that they text to say they had a great time, I reply a while later thanking them for the evening, knowing full well that I have no intention of seeing them again. They ask me out again, I act all non-committal, they tell me I am difficult to work out, and then contact gradually fizzles. It’s always the same. I must admit to enjoying the flattery and attention though, it’s the boost I need once in a while.

Last time I went on a first date I received this afterwards ‘Thanks for a lovely evening. You’re beautiful and great company and I really regret not kissing you goodbye but when I started looking for the opportunity I felt there wasn’t enough time to give you a kiss that did you justice. Hopefully you’ll let me make it up to you in the near future?! Xx’. It’s just too much! I can gauge when a guy fancies me, and wants to kiss me, why can’t they do the same?

Hello Tangent!

I got totally sidetracked there, back to last night. Before the evening descended into complete debauchery I was at the theatre with an old friend watching ‘All about my mother’ which is in it’s last week at the Old Vic. It was very moving, in some of the scenes the emotion was so raw and real it made me well up. Here’s a line from the play that really got me thinking,

‘You are more authentic the more you resemble what you have dreamed of being.’

 The fact that it came from a transvestite whore who was referring to the amount of plastic surgery she has had is just superfluous, I thought……..